people always tell you that you will be alright. they tell you that if you just get out more or have more confidence that you will find someone. but we all know its not true.
i used to go out a lot. i would walk around down town for hours. id go to parties i didn't like. id smile and pretend like i have confidence in what i was saying or doing.
but these things wont make people want to be around you. not when you can only pretend for so long. not when walking around and going out is a physical chore that gets harder and harder to do as your body slowly destroys itself with defects you can thank you parents for.
iv met so many people. talked about so many subjects walked more miles then i care to think around the same 3-4 city blocks.
iv stumbled into places where iv seen really cool looking warn down parts of town and have gone to almost every restaurant and strange shop i could find. yet you cant just find someone. in the end that someone has to be looking for someone to. and that someone is never you.
iv met so many people. more then i can even remember.
iv fallen for more people then i think most will in their whole lives. and iv been shot down by.. oddly. next to no one.
how can someone shoot you down, when you never ask the question. why must i ask the question. why must i be the one to approach them, why must it be me.
the last time i asked a question like that, it turned out i was talking to someone i already knew but i just didn't know it. and i knew they had someone already.
that's what happens when you know to many people. you cant recognise who you do or don't know. and so you forget.
its on nights like tonight however, that im reminded even more then ever how alone i am.
i feel like crying. but i don't because i know i have reason to.
why must i be the one to ask. why cant someone ask me.
even more. why must i be like the others. why cant i have a nice beard and long hair. why can't i look how i want to. why do i have to change how i like myself so that some one MIGHT ask me. why do i need to work out and get buff instead of spending my time how i wish. why can't i just be "good enough".
why am i not even "good enough".
i see people who look worse off then me with people. i see people who don't look half as good as me with people. how did that happen.
are they good enough? or do they just have better luck then i do... maybe their someone they have known for years or since childhood.
maybe they have a nice job where they met their someone.
is that what i need. a job. do i need to force my aching body to work so that i can attract someone. do i need to just stick around one person for years until they finally see me as more then just a friend.
or even as a friend. a friend would be nice. but iv forgotten what friends are even like. what's it like to spend time with people. be near them and talk to them.
what is or isn't allowed when around them.. i don't know more then the basics.
i used to talk a lot. i used to be a "know it all". now i don't even bother to open my mouth. because i know that what i say will be stupid and wrong. and even if im right it wont matter. people will still shoot me down as if we are in some kind of argument when all im trying to do is have a descent conversation with someone.
someone... what's the point in meeting someone. why do i want them. why do i need them. why can't i just be happy with the roof over my head and my nice computer. my bed and my life at home.
Listening to: give me a suggestion
Reading: nothing but DA
Watching: again nothing but DA
Playing: starmade, minecraft, league of legends.
Drinking: Hot chocolate with EggNog